acutelesbian: A five year old at the gas station said he liked my “bat woman” tattoo excitedly. His father condescendingly asked how many I had. I told him I had 11. He scoffed and asked how waiting tables all my life sounded and I said, “it’s alright on the weekends, but throughout the week I’m your son’s teacher.” He walked out without another word.
initiala: A little girl in my 4th grade class came up to me after recess and said, “I got married at recess!” and I said “Oh? I didn’t know anyone was ordained under the age of twelve.” and she asked me what ordained meant and I explained and then she said “Oh, well, no, my wife and I were married by the slide, but we’ll be happy together anyway.” So apparently on school playgrounds, slides are...
daddyfuckedme: wouldn’t it be cool if jellyfish floated around in air instead of water but they didn’t sting you instead they gave you little kisses and rubbed your forehead with their tentacles
remember last summer when american eagle had that modelling contest where you submit your picture to get votes and if you get into the top 20 votes your picture is displayed at times square in new york i submitted this photo of me about to sneeze i placed 12th and i was on the times square billboard for two weeks i hate each and every single one of you all
wafflesforstephanie: bringbacklianharper: the-lron-butt: babyminaj: My favorite Oscar of the night bitch please make room for the Grammys Tumblr was invented just for this pun. I shouldn’t be laughing as much as I am.
blein: sO my friend’s dog died and she lives in new york city and so she had to take it to the vet by the subway and she put the dead dog in the suitcase on the subway and it was a pretty big dog and some dude saw that she was struggling with the suitcase so he asked if she needed help with it and he said do you mind me asking what’s in it and she didnt want to say a dead dog so shE SAID IT WAS...
pizza: dempokeballstho: Tumblr user Pizza is both scary and entertaining I mean, really? I’m not sure if I should be scared or impressed. scared
Ever noticed how your body is trying to keep you...
dangergays: When you hurt yourself and don’t put a band-aid on it because you think you deserve the pain Your body creates a natural band-aid to keep you protected. When you want to tear open your skin Your skin fights back, creates a tough skin of scar tissue to prevent it happening again. When you take...
fffcuk: bettywhite4ever: fffcuk: it snew today i think i just busted vein from laughing so hard what the hell is snew an actual word the post that ruined my life
smathmouth: seeing cute and put-together 14 and 15 year olds gets me so angry they’re supposed to be awkward with bad haircuts they’re supposed to suffer the same way i did
mcsnuggie: how nice would it be to go home to your very own house with your very own furniture that you picked out yourself and cook your own dinner with all your favourite foods that YOU bought on your own and wow playing whatever music you want and watching whatever you want and walking around naked or half naked as you please these are all the things i think about as i sit in my room 24/7...
unfollower: when I was a kid my best friend was from this super conservative christian family who didn’t let her listen to anything but gospel music and she wasn’t allowed to watch PG movies until she was 13 but now she’s a polyamorous bisexual atheist who follows her favorite bands around on tour all the time so I guess it all worked out
poopflow: ah yes i have finally found it the g spot
lurkerpi: thriceinatrice: lurkerpi: WHAT I DONT GET IS WHY PEOPLE TURN OUT TO BE MURDERERS AND STUFF WHEN THEY COULD BE MAKING PEOPLE SMILE AND LAUGH WTF THATS PROBABLY THE MOST SATISFYING THING IN THE WORLD WHY WOULD YOU PASS THAT UP FOR KILLING PEOPLE Clearly you’ve never had the pleasure of watching the fear in mans eyes as the life flees the wreckage of his body. i am going to call...
erossum: awkwardlilgirl: nodaybuttodaytodefygravity: are-you-my-tennant: neilpatrickheaven: i just really want a musical where theres one character who doesnt know how any of the songs go #favorite disney prince because he doesnt understand hes a disney prince
tumblr: a bunch of lazy funny hormonal moody horny teenagers who have barely any self esteem yet still see themselves as better than everyone else
andrewpauldost: i just saw a post like “kids these days dont even know what a vhs is” like why do people think kids of modern day dont know about past events like i know what fucking morse code is but i dont use it to order a pizza
royal-high: a kid from my school just got expelled today for pretending to be russian for 8 months. he pretended he couldn’t read, write or talk english he did good in all his classes because he had all the teachers and principles convinced he just moved from russia, so they didn’t make him do any work
Every tumblr user: despite the fact that no one views or cares about my blog, I'll continue to spend the majority of my life updating it.
hair-old-styles: harrystyies: What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us? My science teacher said he thinks that’s true actually
dont yell at me
bananakittywho: snaku: dont yell at me dont yell at me dont yell at me dont yell at me dont yell at me instead of yelling try not yelling if you ever yell at me, i promise you i will cry no matter who you are or what i did
diverged: I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months
Book: I will be one of the best things you read this year.
Book: You will fall in love with my characters.
Book: I'm so good, you'll lose sleep over me.
Book: I'm part of a series.
Book: So you can feel the pain of a character dying in each book.
Book: I will break you emotionally.
Book: I will make you forget the real world.
Book: I will ruin all potential future love interests for you.
Book: You will be emotionally attached to me.
Book: You are mine.
yourhogwartsletter: karenandthababes: can you imagine if I order a pizza from pizza hut, dominos, and papa johns and told them to be at my house by a certain time and they all came at the same time do you know how awkward that would be #gentlemen #I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today #I’m here to talk to you about the Pizza Initiative #the only thing...